i close my eyes, and..pray.

Jun 23, 2017
cross of christ

1. redemptive power.
2. unconditional love.
3. transformative power.
4. forgiveness and no condemnation.
5. solution of sin.
6. desire for righteousness.
7. change of heart.
8. desire for purity and goodness.
9. worth of self.
For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. - John 3:16

Posted at 09:18 am by mickyfoo
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Jun 22, 2017
flash of light

lightning right behind the clouds. thinking this is God, almighty, majestic. your night sky is a piece of canvas. you hold the world in your hands.

Posted at 04:54 am by mickyfoo
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Jun 14, 2017

hostility is a problem. its the cold, distant, aloof side that appears because it 'dislikes'... something. it's the part that has no love. it's the part that ignores and looks down and devalues. why? that is the question. why is it that you say you love but unlove in the blink of an eye?

Posted at 06:37 am by mickyfoo
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Jun 10, 2017
tails of a train.

ideal -> aim high -> never settle -> perfection. no expectations -> contented -> settle -> acceptance. self esteem -> humility -> improvement -> growth. evaluate -> opinions -> justification -> influence. perceptions -> beliefs -> values -> character. doubts -> clarification -> closure -> certainty. fears -> insecurities -> reassurance -> trust. choice -> responsibility -> management -> autonomy. dignity -> recognition -> acknowledgement -> respect. non-obligation -> gratitude -> reciprocity -> balance. goals -> priorities -> resources -> fulfillment. authenticity -> consistency -> example -> living out. interest -> passion -> motivation -> drive. failures -> opportunities -> lessons -> teachings. deceit -> avoidance -> overcoming -> truth. differences -> individuality -> diversity -> fusion. creativity -> inspiration -> ideas -> possibilities. capacity -> ability -> honing -> excellence. control -> rules -> stop enforcement -> unburdened. denial -> sacrifice -> giving -> selflessness. knowledge -> confidence -> application. hope -> optimism -> persistence. scarcity -> deprivation -> competition -> cooperation. pain -> experience -> empathy -> encouragement. altruism -> generosity -> volunteer. uncensored-> candid -> expressive -> communication. loss -> regret -> cherish -> appreciation. struggle -> hardships -> endurance -> achievements. curiosity -> wonder -> discovery -> enrichment. inequality -> unfairness -> judgement -> justice. open-minded -> exposure -> worldview -> sophistication. sensitivity -> gentle -> nurturing -> sympathy. structure -> plans -> flexibility -> spontaneity. sincerity -> earnest -> heartfelt -> genuine. foreboding -> anxiety -> quieten -> calmness.

Posted at 06:41 am by mickyfoo
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May 31, 2017
quiet..or loud vessels making noise

Can i learn from others? not always Is it helpful for spiritual growth? no Do others feel encouraged by me? maybe.. Is it glorifying to God to share? maybe..if we are talking sense. Is it helping to bond with one another? no then why do i dislike it so much? relationship with God is inclusive.. it feels like scrutiny .. it feels ingenuine and forced.. it is as if our motivation is to seek attention.. it feels self-absorbed.. it feels like changing into someone i am not.. it feels like a 'obligation' to contribute.. it feels like we have to perform in front of others.. it is not relatable..\\ so much talking yet nothing goes in. \\ after losing hope, i am beginning to reject the notion of change ):

Posted at 07:08 pm by mickyfoo
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May 1, 2017
i believe in what i write

Pray. Father, i got my priorities all wrong. my faith in my abilities, my egocentric attitude, my selfish ways. Father, i don't know you, i hardly can claim to know you, for if i do, i wouldn't act the way i did. nothing about me speaks Christ. for Christ to come into my heart, i first have to declare all things wrong. to know what is right is only through you. take captive of all thoughts, to replace thoughts, to change thoughts. Who are they to judge a person by their unfriendliness? If they indeed should judge and critique, then you know how they are like. Father, i see myself as stubborn to act and put on a pretense for other's sake. If i have no part to play in something, why is there a need to be involved and talk to others. i always feel it should be something accepted, the right to be left alone, the right to excuse oneself. make an effort to 'care'. Father, why is it so hard to care? not only for others, but for others towards me as well. like a student cares about her teachers feelings, like a girl cares about her mothers feelings, like a friend caring for another friends feelings. why care? why would that even matter? True, it doesn't matter, not to me anyway. but to the one who died for all, i disgrace him. Father, i am expecting a lot from others when that shouldn't be the case. but when I pray, i don't tell you the stuff buried inside. I go to church to worship, yet I go with a filled mind full of troubles and worries, unwilling to let them go, unwilling to entrust you with them. Pray and feel better? Pray and don't feel better and blame God? what am i really doing here, pretending to be served by the King. as a prideful person, and God hates that. maybe the person who really portrays he loves God, is one who loves his people as well. the one who people would say.. look at her, she overflows with love. God overflows her heart with love and she is out there spreading it all around.

Posted at 05:22 am by mickyfoo
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Dec 30, 2016
mimosa pudica

Sensitivity – sensitive yet firm and assertive in stating my hurt feelings without being ashamed for them, or turn inwardly to criticizing my hurt feelings and feeling shame and guilt for them, or turn outwardly to blame the world for not understanding the pain I am feeling within and justifying my feelings, or learn from emotional triggers and slowly retreating or tuning out the world, or learn the hard way of turning cold and not feeling anything at all, or laugh off the pain and treat it as a minor problem. Pain is gone when we shift our focus on something else. You see, our hearts are meant to feel and experience the world close-up. What is too much then? You learn from lessons, you learn being an adult, as if nothing scares you anymore, as if nothing can affect you the way it did before. You learn that people aren't always nice and thoughtful. You learn that you have to thread carefully and watch out for your surroundings. You learn that external influences can be hard to keep out of. You learn that it is not always the best way to cry and refuse to get up and brood about it and not move on with life. You learn that escaping is not always the best route. You learn that refusing to come into contact with anyone isn't the best idea. You learn that living is harder than staying dead. You learn that you are weak in front of anything that threatens your self-esteem, your self-worth, your self-interest. You start to look at armors, defensive gears, or maybe you invest in guns and weapons, it depends on your preference for killing. Maybe i would want a bomb that cause massive destruction, quick, fast, controlled timing and place, bodies flying and imploded, nothing is in complete pieces. Or maybe, i would want a device that causes slow painful death as i would want to watch you suffer. Or maybe, i want satisfaction for myself in taking aim and looking through the scope well aware that you are my prey and i am finally the hunter. Or maybe, i like to tease you a little with you scared and begging for my release as i come near you and hold the weapon to your head, just so i can feel in power and authority. Or maybe, i want to see you going insane from experiencing loneliness and solitude in a dark room, tied up and helpless with no one to call to, with no concept of time or space, or the world outside. And all of these tendencies, all of these need to inflict pain back, just because the heart is damaged. An eye for an eye, because the world has done this to me. Maybe that is the mentality, or maybe it is not. But why the hatred then? You refuse to be weak and back down, you want revenge but you dont know what for, it is probably your only outlet to vent some frustration. If anyone tells you otherwise, would you listen? Would love take you back from the hell's edge?

Posted at 06:42 pm by mickyfoo
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Dec 29, 2016
safe and sound

i like the idea that love is feeling safe, where fears are acknowledged, where truth is easy to come out, when the bottles which were filled to the brim pours out. i can show you the cabinet or storeroom if you will. it;s like talking into the hole of the tree and it just takes everything away.

Posted at 06:57 am by mickyfoo
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Dec 13, 2016
fat shaming

how did your low self esteem about weight and looks come about? look in the mirror, how are you ever happy the way you are? what is flooding your head and messing your way of looking at yourself or others the same way you did before? the last thing i can do is to be a part of this web of insecurities and comparison and competition of self with God.beating ourselves, punishing ourselves, reprimanding ourselves, demanding ourselves, controlling ourselves, calling ourselves names, guilt tripping ourselves, judging ourselves. does consolation help? does saying it out loud helps? does someone disvalidating our thoughts help? does someone telling us to stop help? if not, then what are we trying to achieve anyway. because you cant let it go. its in the head and out through the mouth, into someone's ear and into someone's head, going on and on like an endless string of cacophany. tortured haunting piece of mental illness, captive of all thoughts, driving behavior and habits, pushing to the brink, killing time and joy and relationships, changing identity, losing self. i wish i can be more morbid to make this sound worse than death because it is.

Posted at 05:19 am by mickyfoo
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Nov 20, 2016
i was scared of...

eye contact, eyes are windows to soul<br>
the baby is crying yet no one is there to soothe her<br>
going off to work, fly overseas, everyone was distant<br>
i love you , yet why are you withdrawn from me <br>
buy presents to make up for the lack of intimacy<br>
ask her what she wants this time i just want some of your concern staying up late and talk to me how we can talk throughout and that will make me happy <br>
how i can cuddle up to you and hug you like a booster and i know my nightmares will not come back again<br>
 now i understand what are those actions you did that stir up the love stolen when i was a baby <br>
holding hands while we sleep<br> now i understand this was what she did when we slept<br>
 she came to me at night, locked my door, and lay beside me <br>
did she say she loved me <br>
i dont remember i dont remember ...<p>

Posted at 06:10 am by mickyfoo
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