i close my eyes, and..pray.

Mar 18, 2017

how come there arent enough people who have a dark sense of the world. it's not depressing because you only call it depressing if you rather be above anything that is untouchable, taboo, censored. what if you find it super appealing. how many people have the same interest as i do. listen to you... you know what is being human about. you are more aware than others. acutely aware of the inner depth of everything and not afraid to tell it like it is. that's why a storm is so magnificent. that's why history lessons are so insightful. that's why nothing is new. beauty is found in everything - even depression. just a wistfulness, nostalgia pervades. maybe it brings up a need to rescue them because i have been there. i don't want to know your happy past. i want to know if you have lost someone, if you have felt used, if you have felt unworthy, if you have felt low-self esteem, if you have suffered addiction, if you have weakness basically. whats the point acting tough. you know i rather break your tough exterior

Posted at 08:12 am by mickyfoo
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Mar 15, 2017

because i had this dream with you in it ; i think this is close to love because i cannot pretend that i don't nor lie to myself otherwise. strong resolutions just become strong compromise. stubborn minded gets replaced by willingness to change. and love has taught me all of that. its useless to fight, to stick to your guns, to put your foot down. you cannot unlove with the mind nor can you feel your way through pride what love is about. and when time lapse, you ask a question: can i really not care anymore? that's when you realize what the answer is. commitment is more important than anything else. the last thing you want to do is being unfaithful and be inconsistent in that aspect as well. emotional wise i am a whirlpool. but let something eternal be the main deciding factor in staying or leaving. since you appeared, can you be considered man of dreams, or man of coincidence, or man of fate...

Posted at 06:57 am by mickyfoo
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Mar 11, 2017
how does it feel to cry

i think one reason i feel unhappy with God about is my continuous spiral, over again and again into despair. what is there to despair about, you may ask. i cannot figure out either. i cannot understand what i am longing for. is there anything really that would make me hate life less? you see, i dont like this journey called life. can you tell me what true joy is from living? can you tell me why is my mind so chaotic, what does it even want? heart, tell me why do you feel uneasy without him and without God? why has part of your soul flew away to be attached to another person? is that what it is? is that the explanation to why i feel so incomplete?

Posted at 04:54 am by mickyfoo
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Mar 7, 2017
letters to God

you always wish for a different environment, maybe friends you truly like, maybe people who are much easier to get along with, maybe family who truly cares for you, maybe a pet who always welcome you by the door and go for long walks with you, maybe a beautiful park right in the middle of your neighborhood, maybe a cafe with your favorite coffee to stop by every morning, maybe a flexible working time, maybe more time to spent in nature and with God, maybe more reflection and deep talks sitting on the grass patch, maybe cooler breeze yet with warm sunshine, maybe more time to read a book and more spaces to relax at, maybe a less traffic congested path for cycling, maybe more swings and slides, maybe hills and treks for us to conquer and admire the scenery, maybe more freedom and less hectic life with less stress, more time do what we really want to do. all this dissatisfaction of the current state and the need to escape keeps resurfacing. probably, i just want to grow some wings and fly to somewhere call home.

Posted at 05:13 am by mickyfoo
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Feb 20, 2017
i want to decipher that emotion

it is quite tempting to slip into that. logical person. unreactive person. i dont deny the anger. i dont deny the mask you are wearing. its fine for you to keep acting. and i know its only a facade. so you think showing the emotions is a loss. so you think you disguise it well. but i should know you grew up acting this way. how long do you want to keep pretending?

Posted at 08:09 am by mickyfoo
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Dec 30, 2016
mimosa pudica

Sensitivity – sensitive yet firm and assertive in stating my hurt feelings without being ashamed for them, or turn inwardly to criticizing my hurt feelings and feeling shame and guilt for them, or turn outwardly to blame the world for not understanding the pain I am feeling within and justifying my feelings, or learn from emotional triggers and slowly retreating or tuning out the world, or learn the hard way of turning cold and not feeling anything at all, or laugh off the pain and treat it as a minor problem. Pain is gone when we shift our focus on something else. You see, our hearts are meant to feel and experience the world close-up. What is too much then? You learn from lessons, you learn being an adult, as if nothing scares you anymore, as if nothing can affect you the way it did before. You learn that people aren't always nice and thoughtful. You learn that you have to thread carefully and watch out for your surroundings. You learn that external influences can be hard to keep out of. You learn that it is not always the best way to cry and refuse to get up and brood about it and not move on with life. You learn that escaping is not always the best route. You learn that refusing to come into contact with anyone isn't the best idea. You learn that living is harder than staying dead. You learn that you are weak in front of anything that threatens your self-esteem, your self-worth, your self-interest. You start to look at armors, defensive gears, or maybe you invest in guns and weapons, it depends on your preference for killing. Maybe i would want a bomb that cause massive destruction, quick, fast, controlled timing and place, bodies flying and imploded, nothing is in complete pieces. Or maybe, i would want a device that causes slow painful death as i would want to watch you suffer. Or maybe, i want satisfaction for myself in taking aim and looking through the scope well aware that you are my prey and i am finally the hunter. Or maybe, i like to tease you a little with you scared and begging for my release as i come near you and hold the weapon to your head, just so i can feel in power and authority. Or maybe, i want to see you going insane from experiencing loneliness and solitude in a dark room, tied up and helpless with no one to call to, with no concept of time or space, or the world outside. And all of these tendencies, all of these need to inflict pain back, just because the heart is damaged. An eye for an eye, because the world has done this to me. Maybe that is the mentality, or maybe it is not. But why the hatred then? You refuse to be weak and back down, you want revenge but you dont know what for, it is probably your only outlet to vent some frustration. If anyone tells you otherwise, would you listen? Would love take you back from the hell's edge?

Posted at 06:42 pm by mickyfoo
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Dec 29, 2016
safe and sound

i like the idea that love is feeling safe, where fears are acknowledged, where truth is easy to come out, when the bottles which were filled to the brim pours out. i can show you the cabinet or storeroom if you will. it;s like talking into the hole of the tree and it just takes everything away.

Posted at 06:57 am by mickyfoo
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Dec 24, 2016
ripped tights

are you my outlet? am i upset over this? lets wait for 5 minutes for a change of heart. a flash of a smile replaced by cold accusing eyes. can you see how in-genuine i am? have your cold subsided? maybe your heart is filled in an ice bath, why dont our eyes meet anymore. too many times... who knows how to truly break the silence. any closer physical effort brings frantic steps backwards. or walk away surely because what is more painful than walking one ahead of the other. leave it to memories to tell you that you are hurt and you are still upset. but you are not, technically. its just hard to start afresh, you are still the ice bath my heart hangs around in. the hardest part of relationship is emotional entanglement. do you know if you are reinforcing or cancelling negativity?

Posted at 05:24 am by mickyfoo
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Dec 13, 2016
fat shaming

how did your low self esteem about weight and looks come about? look in the mirror, how are you ever happy the way you are? what is flooding your head and messing your way of looking at yourself or others the same way you did before? the last thing i can do is to be a part of this web of insecurities and comparison and competition of self with God.beating ourselves, punishing ourselves, reprimanding ourselves, demanding ourselves, controlling ourselves, calling ourselves names, guilt tripping ourselves, judging ourselves. does consolation help? does saying it out loud helps? does someone disvalidating our thoughts help? does someone telling us to stop help? if not, then what are we trying to achieve anyway. because you cant let it go. its in the head and out through the mouth, into someone's ear and into someone's head, going on and on like an endless string of cacophany. tortured haunting piece of mental illness, captive of all thoughts, driving behavior and habits, pushing to the brink, killing time and joy and relationships, changing identity, losing self. i wish i can be more morbid to make this sound worse than death because it is.

Posted at 05:19 am by mickyfoo
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Nov 20, 2016
i was scared of...

eye contact, eyes are windows to soul<br>
the baby is crying yet no one is there to soothe her<br>
going off to work, fly overseas, everyone was distant<br>
i love you , yet why are you withdrawn from me <br>
buy presents to make up for the lack of intimacy<br>
ask her what she wants this time i just want some of your concern staying up late and talk to me how we can talk throughout and that will make me happy <br>
how i can cuddle up to you and hug you like a booster and i know my nightmares will not come back again<br>
 now i understand what are those actions you did that stir up the love stolen when i was a baby <br>
holding hands while we sleep<br> now i understand this was what she did when we slept<br>
 she came to me at night, locked my door, and lay beside me <br>
did she say she loved me <br>
i dont remember i dont remember ...<p>

Posted at 06:10 am by mickyfoo
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