i close my eyes, and..pray.
May 1, 2017
i believe in what i write
Pray. Father, i got my priorities all wrong. my faith in my abilities, my egocentric attitude, my selfish ways. Father, i don't know you, i hardly can claim to know you, for if i do, i wouldn't act the way i did. nothing about me speaks Christ. for Christ to come into my heart, i first have to declare all things wrong. to know what is right is only through you. take captive of all thoughts, to replace thoughts, to change thoughts. Who are they to judge a person by their unfriendliness? If they indeed should judge and critique, then you know how they are like. Father, i see myself as stubborn to act and put on a pretense for other's sake. If i have no part to play in something, why is there a need to be involved and talk to others. i always feel it should be something accepted, the right to be left alone, the right to excuse oneself. make an effort to 'care'. Father, why is it so hard to care? not only for others, but for others towards me as well. like a student cares about her teachers feelings, like a girl cares about her mothers feelings, like a friend caring for another friends feelings. why care?
why would that even matter? True, it doesn't matter, not to me anyway. but to the one who died for all, i disgrace him. Father, i am expecting a lot from others when that shouldn't be the case. but when I pray, i don't tell you the stuff buried inside. I go to church to worship, yet I go with a filled mind full of troubles and worries, unwilling to let them go, unwilling to entrust you with them. Pray and feel better? Pray and don't feel better and blame God? what am i really doing here, pretending to be served by the King. as a prideful person, and God hates that. maybe the person who really portrays he loves God, is one who loves his people as well. the one who people would say.. look at her, she overflows with love. God overflows her heart with love and she is out there spreading it all around.
Posted at 05:22 am by mickyfoo
Dec 30, 2016
Sensitivity – sensitive yet firm and assertive in stating my hurt feelings without being ashamed for them, or turn inwardly to criticizing my hurt feelings and feeling shame and guilt for them, or turn outwardly to blame the world for not understanding the pain I am feeling within and justifying my feelings, or learn from emotional triggers and slowly retreating or tuning out the world, or learn the hard way of turning cold and not feeling anything at all, or laugh off the pain and treat it as a minor problem. Pain is gone when we shift our focus on something else. You see, our hearts are meant to feel and experience the world close-up. What is too much then? You learn from lessons, you learn being an adult, as if nothing scares you anymore, as if nothing can affect you the way it did before. You learn that people aren't always nice and thoughtful. You learn that you have to thread carefully and watch out for your surroundings. You learn that external influences can be hard to keep out of. You learn that it is not always the best way to cry and refuse to get up and brood about it and not move on with life. You learn that escaping is not always the best route. You learn that refusing to come into contact with anyone isn't the best idea. You learn that living is harder than staying dead. You learn that you are weak in front of anything that threatens your self-esteem, your self-worth, your self-interest. You start to look at armors, defensive gears, or maybe you invest in guns and weapons, it depends on your preference for killing. Maybe i would want a bomb that cause massive destruction, quick, fast, controlled timing and place, bodies flying and imploded, nothing is in complete pieces. Or maybe, i would want a device that causes slow painful death as i would want to watch you suffer. Or maybe, i want satisfaction for myself in taking aim and looking through the scope well aware that you are my prey and i am finally the hunter. Or maybe, i like to tease you a little with you scared and begging for my release as i come near you and hold the weapon to your head, just so i can feel in power and authority. Or maybe, i want to see you going insane from experiencing loneliness and solitude in a dark room, tied up and helpless with no one to call to, with no concept of time or space, or the world outside. And all of these tendencies, all of these need to inflict pain back, just because the heart is damaged. An eye for an eye, because the world has done this to me. Maybe that is the mentality, or maybe it is not. But why the hatred then? You refuse to be weak and back down, you want revenge but you dont know what for, it is probably your only outlet to vent some frustration. If anyone tells you otherwise, would you listen? Would love take you back from the hell's edge?
Posted at 06:42 pm by mickyfoo
Dec 29, 2016
i like the idea that love is feeling safe, where fears are acknowledged, where truth is easy to come out, when the bottles which were filled to the brim pours out. i can show you the cabinet or storeroom if you will. it;s like talking into the hole of the tree and it just takes everything away.
Posted at 06:57 am by mickyfoo
Dec 13, 2016
how did your low self esteem about weight and looks come about? look in the mirror, how are you ever happy the way you are? what is flooding your head and messing your way of looking at yourself or others the same way you did before? the last thing i can do is to be a part of this web of insecurities and comparison and competition of self with God.beating ourselves, punishing ourselves, reprimanding ourselves, demanding ourselves, controlling ourselves, calling ourselves names, guilt tripping ourselves, judging ourselves. does consolation help? does saying it out loud helps? does someone disvalidating our thoughts help? does someone telling us to stop help? if not, then what are we trying to achieve anyway. because you cant let it go. its in the head and out through the mouth, into someone's ear and into someone's head, going on and on like an endless string of cacophany. tortured haunting piece of mental illness, captive of all thoughts, driving behavior and habits, pushing to the brink, killing time and joy and relationships, changing identity, losing self. i wish i can be more morbid to make this sound worse than death because it is.
Posted at 05:19 am by mickyfoo
Nov 20, 2016
eye contact, eyes are windows to soul<br>
the baby is crying yet no one is there to soothe her<br>
going off to work, fly overseas, everyone was distant<br>
i love you , yet why are you withdrawn from me <br>
buy presents to make up for the lack of intimacy<br>
ask her what she wants this time i just want some of your concern staying up late and talk to me how we can talk throughout and that will make me happy <br>
how i can cuddle up to you and hug you like a booster and i know my nightmares will not come back again<br>
now i understand what are those actions you did that stir up the love stolen when i was a baby <br>
holding hands while we sleep<br> now i understand this was what she did when we slept<br>
she came to me at night, locked my door, and lay beside me <br>
did she say she loved me <br>
i dont remember i dont remember ...<p>
Posted at 06:10 am by mickyfoo
Nov 4, 2016
you are strong, i dont know to laugh or cry.
Love and acceptance is not from within, it wouldn’t work from within. What about those who managed to love themselves? What if those who believe that they are good enough regardless of what others say? Where the hell does that come from? I don’t know how they do it. For one, I can probably find a hard time convincing myself otherwise by my own strength. That makes me feel stupid? Am I relying on God and seeking God for worthiness and validation while others do not need God and at the same time also feel validated and worthy? When people get their own worth from different sources, how can we claim that only one source is true and the right one? Can I assume that those who are ‘strong’ to trust in their own capabilities may have derived enough worth on their own to lose all dependence for God, now and forever? If part of my reason in believing is because I know I am loved and accepted by God instead of others and I believe that to be a major turning point, then what about those who already feel loved and accepted by their family and friends? I need adoption into Christ family. They, on the other hand, may tasted kinship. How do i compare? Does the kid need to be homeless first to want to belong to a family? What if he didnt like Christ family? A part of me want to say that they are wrong, they are NOT SATISFIED, they have to open their eyes and see the god-shaped hole in their heart. They have to. They got to. I want to appeal to their emotional and spiritual needs. I want to appeal to their ‘suffering’ and ‘unworthiness’. I want to appeal to their vulnerabilities and wounds. I want to appeal to their brokenness and scars. Will they listen? Have they been in the same shoes as I did? Or are they already happy with life? I can tell them to imagine the worst moment of their life when they were alone and helpless and having NO ONE to turn to. Would they understand? Have they tasted loneliness and abandonment? To what extent? Did they go find friends and family and distractions? do people also forget what they are feeling by immersing in the crowd. actually it may not be that, or it may be. having people around do not necessarily bring you comfort. like, you can still feel lonely because of the lack of connection. is loneliness innate? if at my weakest time, maybe if i was shown lots and lots of concern, maybe i would be different now. is that a blessing? but i might not turn to God.. is that a blessing?
Posted at 06:45 pm by mickyfoo
i tell it to shut up, i really did, and i almost cried. the very fact, that i hate how i think is to the point i really want to take out my brain and smash it to smithereens. i think i felt a blood vessel explode, or rather i hope it does, but i also think i am going crazy for how i want to disown my brain. i hate my thoughts. my heart hates my brain for what it is making me go through. brain, can you stop thinking negatively, can you just stop with the senseless assumptions, you are often the culprit to my depression, my own sabotage, my own ruins. i have no one to blame but you. and i am thinking of you as a third party now, as an outsider, telling you how much your thinking is corrupted, i tried to direct you away, but you always come back seeking to destroy, yea, your ultimate aim is to bring me to destruction, then you will be happy, you will be happy seeing your very happiness comes from the fact that you achieved unhappiness. isnt it fucked up, its fucked up so badly, i dont even know how to explain. its like i am so two sided i can barely think straight anymore. its like i want to kill myself, because the very person i hate is only myself. but if i kill myself, i am nothing left, there's no I left to live, so i can only say it in terms of, the weird sadistic nature of mine that wants to take over the being, threatening and manipulating, using guilt that I am causing myself to think too much to be the weapon, i didnt choose the think too much, i didnt choose to be negative, it was never my choice. i can only do it this way, because if i said i was the maker of my thoughts, if i claim responsibility, i have only guilt and shame and never ending amount of unexplained unforgiveness and more self hatred, and just no end to it. i dont claim responsibility. those thoughts are not mine. they were never mine. they tell me all sorts of things, they are voices louder than my will, they want control, they create illusions, they just feed and grow, they suppress questionings, they dont multi-task, to question is to win, to not question and believe is their win, of course they thrive each time, grow stronger, sounds more believable, because the skeptic wont come out and put forth a opposing statement, the judge wont bother with the hearing because the case was not filed. wheres my judge. my judge is God, my prayer is my filing for help. i cant do this alone. thoughts are so good at lying, one moment seemingly on my side, but just playing at my insecurities to sound better and more justified by self-pitying and victimizing. such a good tactic because i do want to be pitied, i do want to feel sorry for myself, i do have the tendency to wallow, the other side is criticizing someone else, blaming, judging them first because i made myself seem judged. funny right, i judge myself first for being too easy, and i judge others for judging that way about me. i am sleepy..i just need sleep.
Posted at 07:34 am by mickyfoo
Oct 18, 2016
you see our skies, the same skies we share. i am looking at it now, are you too. are you thinking of me like i am thinking of you. if there's telepathy, if there's hope. wherever you are, whenever, if there's something so illogical yet makes such perfect sense, if this was an out of ordinary story, written in the stars kind of movie, heart wrenching dialogues and long hugs, holding on like we are the last each other has, the world can just disappear, who cares, i want to stay like this forever. you believe in this kind of absurdity? lost love, once could be, become there never was. years ago, i can paint you a picture of happiness, those days, i was hopeful, unafraid, unattached, independent. these days, i am afraid to hope, dream, pursue. for big dreams get crushed easily, for who takes your heart may not give it back, a thief in the night, and shes dreaming, mesmerized he looked at her, who is he after? if he can leave, why doest he leave now? why does he linger, and stare at her longer than he should, why is he risking the breaking dawn? or does he want her to see he was here? and what will he do when she awakes? he can go.. quietly, as though he never came, never existed, never entered the house and imagined her life from the way she kept her room, imagined her as one he would get to know and fondly fall in love with, share his stories and tribulations with. or maybe he can come back again at a later time, maybe when he thinks of her, maybe in distant future, or maybe never, for he has his life somewhere else. this was probably a really foolish idea, anyway. if this is a heist, make it fast and painless.. the process is killing deep, each time there's a stab, i dont know to heal or leave it there, so that more wounds wouldnt seem any more painful from the first.. to step out of the dreams or nightmares, sound the intruder alarm, just so she can learn to lock her heart up.. for good, for total good, once and for all.
Posted at 05:21 am by mickyfoo
Oct 15, 2016
sorry for the distrust, and fear
actually to all, the distrust and fear comes from insecurities, vulnerability, perceptions, self protection defense, the neediness of validation and acceptance, the desperation of belonging, unworthiness, helplessness, fixation on self. i am outside of the comfort zone, but i should be outside of myself who is criticizing myself looking in, the one who is evaluating me is myself isnt it, the one with harsh judgement and pointing out my flaws and wanting me to stumble and stutter and run out of words and confidence, is myself isnt it. the one who is giving the pressure and stress of leaving a 'good' impression, is myself isnt it. the one i am in love with impressing and reaching standards that is unattainable, is you isnt it. the one who is counting on others and to prove my worthiness, is that inferior me, that part of me who is pathetic, that part of me who relies on past experiences of hurt and pain, that part of me who holds on to people's words, isnt it. and i think to myself, the judgments, are echos of the past, see who brought you down before, honestly, what you are hearing are formulated from those who say you cannot, you are not good enough, you are not smart, not pretty, not skinny, not funny, not confident enough. but why, who judged you for that minute, it seemed like it was you, the one who i thought i can trust on times of fear. you think i am not able to express myself clearly, to seem unable to put forth my words and answer, you are right. please see why. please see the fears and insecurities. but this is not a self-pitying stage i am going to go into now. and i accept that, i accept that it is useless to self-pity on previous experiences as stumbling block for the current stage of being around people. i know i struggled. your expectations, you stated. such words, how you are not proud of me, not showing me off, as if i can embarrass you, as if 'your friends' are the most important people, wow. just the pressure. inhibiting, paralysing, stops all thoughts. not just you, actually, fear alone is scary enough, pressure added is worse, to (make you like me), as if that cant be any worse. once bitten, twice shy, here's past you talking, present you keeps changing, keeps looking at the glass, seeing it half-empty or half-full, or happy and satisfied that there' water. i am held back by words, by past experiences, harmful ones, experiences should help us learn, but it was there for a fault, it should be there to form meaningful relationship, to remember the good, or the bad? maybe bad, brings us closer to God if we have God, and He will tell us it is ok, not as in it's ok to be hurt, only, not as in cry and comfort oneself, and telling myself its ok, but God telling me it's ok because He knows. as long as there's people i still treasure and care about, i will have to deal with their perceptions, and that we are all accustomed to have our views and opinions on people, whether good or bad. be myself and stop trying so hard to make people like me, stop trying so hard...i can care but i cannot impose, how i wish to be the most likeable person in the world. and that encompasses many things, i have to accept that likeability is a subjective thing as well. there are certain things i can do, to love as jesus commanded, to change my way of thinking is also a form of loving, see the good in people, see the good in myself, but because of God. if i can see the good in everyone, because i see the good in God. if i value myself because God values me.if i count people as people with hearts and feelings and stories and alive and souls, because God gave them all of that. its not about impressing.. its not about asking God to give me the best 'presentation' or 'act' for me to perform in front of an audience, its not about asking God to give me the 'right answers'. sometimes, we need 'wrong answers' to see what i am truly valuing, why are the answers so important that I had to ask God to give it to me, a boost of self esteem? a plus point in other people's list of criteria for friendship? yes, you worry too much about looking good, sounding good, taking these seriously, yes you let them decide for you what your fate should be for that moment, yes you gave them the upper hand to define who you are, yes i am judging myself at the same time because i thought i can be better but it doesnt shine through, so there's regrets, going about over and over again, what i could have done differently, what i could have said at that point, what i was being graded on is so unfair, its like a test, its like they are the examiners, and i am the student who is given a pass or fail grade at the end of examination. pass and you are accepted, fail and you are a horrible person who no one likes because of what you answered at that question, how you answered, and many more. like that test, was the one and only test of character, of personality, of my importance, and value in life. if i failed, life is meaningless, i can no longer feel wanted, feel like anybody wants me around anymore, like there is no hope for a mere human like me in this world, to be playing any part. but i know God wouldnt, not because he wants me to feel good about myself, but rather i know he uses people, and i know he loves me, so he will put people who are worth staying in my life, he puts the right people, exactly. to be alone and lonely, i am sure he would never, i strongly believe he would never, take away everyone from me for no good reason. i believe for every people he created, there's another one who can appreciate and delight in. i believe what he finds loving, is what we find loving. i believe in his image, God is proud, and will be even more, when we also see it in others that their likeness in God, is what draws, for then we acknowledge God and his glory , his intricate and dearest people, diversified yet unique in their own ways, different yet strikingly similar, annoyed by similarities in weaknesses, but amazed and intrigued by differences in strengths, and that's complete picture of beauty. i know what is likeable in your eyes, or rather what i was being told. sadly, that is now in my head to evaluate in terms of that criteria. sadly, the truth didn't set me free but binds me further to working hard to achieve to be that person. sadly, this requires effort and pleasing. sadly, God's relationship is so different from men. sadly, or not sadly, God lets me see each time how fragile our relationship is built on, if it is on pleasing, if it is about making things happen, if it is about 'ill change so that you can like me more' or 'ill do whatever you say'. so different. it's so conditional, exactly. but God;s love is unconditional, what does he desire but us, the way we are, he love us sinners, but hated the sin. he does it so well, so perfectly, so lovingly, despite of flaws, inadequacies, just imperfect, broken, misusing the relationship, taking him for granted. if you can experience God, i am no longer an expectation, if you can view from God's eyes, how he loves.. to love like God wills, to be willing to take all the rejection.. now I admire that, knowing how I crumble from a bit of that rejection. maybe it was given, we experience rejection and hate it, but God strengthens, not by anything else but by love, because love overcomes rejections, love does not reject, love accepts, it always have, always will. accepting God, accepting people, i wish the world would stop rejecting, really. i wish the world would do more of taking in people, rather than eliminating, banning, closing up, isolating, chasing away, excluding, blocking the people, our people, we are talking about lives here, not unwanted products made in this world, just a waste of space and resources, we are talking about real people that cannot be dismissed, unvalidated, unrecognized as significant, we are talking about one of us, a herd, a family. racism, discrimination, alienation, prejudice, biasness, why. why is the world filled with all these consequences of rejection, isnt it enough we have rejected God, why are we now rejecting each other if that is not, what we are truly meant to do..
Posted at 06:59 pm by mickyfoo
Oct 14, 2016
God listened to my prayer to meet other christians, just the joy of knowing He is behind all these, working on my life, really being there and showing me, guiding me, with these wonderful people. If he is for me, who can be against me. And I praise His name, His glorious plan, His ultimate way of making things fall into place, into a magnificent piece of storyline,. what he can do, what love he demonstrates, what character he portrays, what qualities he possess, what he has to give and teach, is beyond imagination. every single time, i am amazed by what he just did, whether it is opening my eyes to a new perspective, or dealing with my unhappiness and unresolved issues, or relating to people from my experiences, they are all his work, and i feel a wave of emotions, time and time again, his power, his grace, his faithfulness, his reminders of love, pouring into my heart, making me all the more thankful that I have him, I am somebody, I am no longer nothingness, meaningless, but he accepted me as his child, as one of them, as his sheep, .. i dont deserve it at all, yet his son died for us. lets just say, what more will He give us. his love is so real, so powerful and impactful, it brings about so much pain, but also the price, the redemption, makes me feel terribly ashamed for undermining the blood and his body. nothing surpasses his worth, im thankful for Him, father and son, for making us whole again, for letting us go back to Him, and treating us as his beloved.
Posted at 06:58 am by mickyfoo