i tell it to shut up, i really did, and i almost cried. the very fact, that i hate how i think is to the point i really want to take out my brain and smash it to smithereens. i think i felt a blood vessel explode, or rather i hope it does, but i also think i am going crazy for how i want to disown my brain. i hate my thoughts. my heart hates my brain for what it is making me go through. brain, can you stop thinking negatively, can you just stop with the senseless assumptions, you are often the culprit to my depression, my own sabotage, my own ruins. i have no one to blame but you. and i am thinking of you as a third party now, as an outsider, telling you how much your thinking is corrupted, i tried to direct you away, but you always come back seeking to destroy, yea, your ultimate aim is to bring me to destruction, then you will be happy, you will be happy seeing your very happiness comes from the fact that you achieved unhappiness. isnt it fucked up, its fucked up so badly, i dont even know how to explain. its like i am so two sided i can barely think straight anymore. its like i want to kill myself, because the very person i hate is only myself. but if i kill myself, i am nothing left, there's no I left to live, so i can only say it in terms of, the weird sadistic nature of mine that wants to take over the being, threatening and manipulating, using guilt that I am causing myself to think too much to be the weapon, i didnt choose the think too much, i didnt choose to be negative, it was never my choice. i can only do it this way, because if i said i was the maker of my thoughts, if i claim responsibility, i have only guilt and shame and never ending amount of unexplained unforgiveness and more self hatred, and just no end to it. i dont claim responsibility. those thoughts are not mine. they were never mine. they tell me all sorts of things, they are voices louder than my will, they want control, they create illusions, they just feed and grow, they suppress questionings, they dont multi-task, to question is to win, to not question and believe is their win, of course they thrive each time, grow stronger, sounds more believable, because the skeptic wont come out and put forth a opposing statement, the judge wont bother with the hearing because the case was not filed. wheres my judge. my judge is God, my prayer is my filing for help. i cant do this alone. thoughts are so good at lying, one moment seemingly on my side, but just playing at my insecurities to sound better and more justified by self-pitying and victimizing. such a good tactic because i do want to be pitied, i do want to feel sorry for myself, i do have the tendency to wallow, the other side is criticizing someone else, blaming, judging them first because i made myself seem judged. funny right, i judge myself first for being too easy, and i judge others for judging that way about me. i am sleepy..i just need sleep.
Posted at 07:34 am by mickyfoo