Entry: sorry for the distrust, and fear Oct 15, 2016



actually to all, the distrust and fear comes from insecurities, vulnerability, perceptions, self protection defense, the neediness of validation and acceptance, the desperation of belonging, unworthiness, helplessness, fixation on self. i am outside of the comfort zone, but i should be outside of myself who is criticizing myself looking in, the one who is evaluating me is myself isnt it, the one with harsh judgement and pointing out my flaws and wanting me to stumble and stutter and run out of words and confidence, is myself isnt it. the one who is giving the pressure and stress of leaving a 'good' impression, is myself isnt it. the one i am in love with impressing and reaching standards that is unattainable, is you isnt it. the one who is counting on others and to prove my worthiness, is that inferior me, that part of me who is pathetic, that part of me who relies on past experiences of hurt and pain, that part of me who holds on to people's words, isnt it. and i think to myself, the judgments, are echos of the past, see who brought you down before, honestly, what you are hearing are formulated from those who say you cannot, you are not good enough, you are not smart, not pretty, not skinny, not funny, not confident enough. but why, who judged you for that minute, it seemed like it was you, the one who i thought i can trust on times of fear. you think i am not able to express myself clearly, to seem unable to put forth my words and answer, you are right. please see why. please see the fears and insecurities. but this is not a self-pitying stage i am going to go into now. and i accept that, i accept that it is useless to self-pity on previous experiences as stumbling block for the current stage of being around people. i know i struggled. your expectations, you stated. such words, how you are not proud of me, not showing me off, as if i can embarrass you, as if 'your friends' are the most important people, wow. just the pressure. inhibiting, paralysing, stops all thoughts. not just you, actually, fear alone is scary enough, pressure added is worse, to (make you like me), as if that cant be any worse. once bitten, twice shy, here's past you talking, present you keeps changing, keeps looking at the glass, seeing it half-empty or half-full, or happy and satisfied that there' water. i am held back by words, by past experiences, harmful ones, experiences should help us learn, but it was there for a fault, it should be there to form meaningful relationship, to remember the good, or the bad? maybe bad, brings us closer to God if we have God, and He will tell us it is ok, not as in it's ok to be hurt, only, not as in cry and comfort oneself, and telling myself its ok, but God telling me it's ok because He knows. as long as there's people i still treasure and care about, i will have to deal with their perceptions, and that we are all accustomed to have our views and opinions on people, whether good or bad. be myself and stop trying so hard to make people like me, stop trying so hard...i can care but i cannot impose, how i wish to be the most likeable person in the world. and that encompasses many things, i have to accept that likeability is a subjective thing as well. there are certain things i can do, to love as jesus commanded, to change my way of thinking is also a form of loving, see the good in people, see the good in myself, but because of God. if i can see the good in everyone, because i see the good in God. if i value myself because God values me.if i count people as people with hearts and feelings and stories and alive and souls, because God gave them all of that. its not about impressing.. its not about asking God to give me the best 'presentation' or 'act' for me to perform in front of an audience, its not about asking God to give me the 'right answers'. sometimes, we need 'wrong answers' to see what i am truly valuing, why are the answers so important that I had to ask God to give it to me, a boost of self esteem? a plus point in other people's list of criteria for friendship? yes, you worry too much about looking good, sounding good, taking these seriously, yes you let them decide for you what your fate should be for that moment, yes you gave them the upper hand to define who you are, yes i am judging myself at the same time because i thought i can be better but it doesnt shine through, so there's regrets, going about over and over again, what i could have done differently, what i could have said at that point, what i was being graded on is so unfair, its like a test, its like they are the examiners, and i am the student who is given a pass or fail grade at the end of examination. pass and you are accepted, fail and you are a horrible person who no one likes because of what you answered at that question, how you answered, and many more. like that test, was the one and only test of character, of personality, of my importance, and value in life. if i failed, life is meaningless, i can no longer feel wanted, feel like anybody wants me around anymore, like there is no hope for a mere human like me in this world, to be playing any part. but i know God wouldnt, not because he wants me to feel good about myself, but rather i know he uses people, and i know he loves me, so he will put people who are worth staying in my life, he puts the right people, exactly. to be alone and lonely, i am sure he would never, i strongly believe he would never, take away everyone from me for no good reason. i believe for every people he created, there's another one who can appreciate and delight in. i believe what he finds loving, is what we find loving. i believe in his image, God is proud, and will be even more, when we also see it in others that their likeness in God, is what draws, for then we acknowledge God and his glory , his intricate and dearest people, diversified yet unique in their own ways, different yet strikingly similar, annoyed by similarities in weaknesses, but amazed and intrigued by differences in strengths, and that's complete picture of beauty. i know what is likeable in your eyes, or rather what i was being told. sadly, that is now in my head to evaluate in terms of that criteria. sadly, the truth didn't set me free but binds me further to working hard to achieve to be that person. sadly, this requires effort and pleasing. sadly, God's relationship is so different from men. sadly, or not sadly, God lets me see each time how fragile our relationship is built on, if it is on pleasing, if it is about making things happen, if it is about 'ill change so that you can like me more' or 'ill do whatever you say'. so different. it's so conditional, exactly. but God;s love is unconditional, what does he desire but us, the way we are, he love us sinners, but hated the sin. he does it so well, so perfectly, so lovingly, despite of flaws, inadequacies, just imperfect, broken, misusing the relationship, taking him for granted. if you can experience God, i am no longer an expectation, if you can view from God's eyes, how he loves.. to love like God wills, to be willing to take all the rejection.. now I admire that, knowing how I crumble from a bit of that rejection. maybe it was given, we experience rejection and hate it, but God strengthens, not by anything else but by love, because love overcomes rejections, love does not reject, love accepts, it always have, always will. accepting God, accepting people, i wish the world would stop rejecting, really. i wish the world would do more of taking in people, rather than eliminating, banning, closing up, isolating, chasing away, excluding, blocking the people, our people, we are talking about lives here, not unwanted products made in this world, just a waste of space and resources, we are talking about real people that cannot be dismissed, unvalidated, unrecognized as significant, we are talking about one of us, a herd, a family. racism, discrimination, alienation, prejudice, biasness, why. why is the world filled with all these consequences of rejection, isnt it enough we have rejected God, why are we now rejecting each other if that is not, what we are truly meant to do..

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